Next chapter.

The audit is over and I managed to score about $70k for me and Buckethead. Redneck was supposed to help, but all his time lately has been spent trying to score with Buckethead. Buckethead must not give it up easily. Anyway, I'm still trying to get a job out here. I'm thinking about "contracting" myself. Hey Buckethead, can you squeeze me into the budget? I don't care what I'm contracted to do, just get me in.

Jane, I was thinking you could get Lola to do some phony billing and lots of it. I could lodge a couple of complaints to the billing manager, none of which would get to the manager. A couple months later, I'll blow the whistle. It's open and shut and I end up with a large piece of the settlement. We split it 50/50. Lola keeps her job, saying she was doing what her manager told her. What do you think? If you have something better, let me know.

Russ

I'm Relocating.

I spoke to my band and told them I was not going back to the 'Ham. Oh yeah, I told my boss at the dark side too. I'm moving out here. I desperately need Redneck to get in good with Buckethead, so I can get a job at this hospital. I've managed to get about $100k of new bad debt included in the Medicare audit. This will net the hospital $70k. I should say it will net me and Buckethead $35k each. The auditors are idiots. I confused them so bad, that they are cutting a check to a fake hospital name that resembles the one at this hospital. Devious, devious I tell you. Now I've got to make sure Buckethead keeps this on the down low. I don't want Jane finding out or she'll want a piece of the action. So will some of the other wackos around here.

Later that night...

I called Redneck Never Comes To Work Guy to assist me with the audit. He flew out immediately and met me at my hotel. Evidently the Dark Side has fallen on hard times because my hotel has hourly rates and is in a shitty part of town. I was a little pissed that I didn't get anywhere with Lola, so I figured me and Redneck would hit the town. There were plenty of bars and strip clubs in the neighborhood, and being an alchoholic I didn't need much reason to drink.

La La Lola

I was sitting back discussing the previous weekend with Redneck Never Comes to Work Guy, who strangely enough showed up on a Monday, when I realize that my band needs a female lead singer. Redneck was discussing his coming in nearly on time that morning to "get to know" the new girl across the hall. He said she reminded him of the blond haired girl in the group Wilson Phillips. It hit me that we could be huge with a female in the band.

Reality set in when Buckethead CFO called. She has Medicare auditors coming to the hospital and needs me to be there. I don't blame her, after all I prepared her Medicare documents based on the information she sent me. She sent it to me a week before the deadline and sent approximately 25% of what I needed. I used what she sent and just made up the rest. How important is Medicare anyway???

I roll into Bucketheads office around 9:00 am, but she is nowhere to be found. The auditors are there, so I take charge of the situation, which equates to showing them where the bathrooms and snack machines are located. I tell them to wait until Buckethead shows up and she will find them some fine accommodations. In the meantime, I wander the hospital. I was following a loud clacking sound when I heard this beautiful voice singing what I think was the theme to the Addams Family (the clacking is perfectly in time with the snapping of the theme) and then immediately transitioning into the theme from Diff'rent Strokes. I round the corner only to find a disgusting lady with false teeth in her hand. She was applying some sort of cream to them. In the distance, rounding the corner was the only other person around. A young lady with a sexy walk. She had to be the voice I heard. I hurry down to the corner of the hall, but I miss her. I go back to her desk and find the name plate Lola Poindexter. This is fate. Just a day or so ago, Redneck called me Poindexter because I had my checkbook in my shirt pocket, looking similar to a pocket protector only a nerd would wear. I think for a moment about asking the tooth clacker about Lola, but decided I couldn't deal with her.

So I go back to Bucketheads office. It's roughly 10:00 and she has just gotten in. She is placing the auditors in some space to work. I ask her about Lola. She explains that she bills. I immediately decide that no matter what the auditors need, I will turn it into a billing issue.

The auditors begin to ask about square feet. I show them my support and realize that I reported just over 3,000 square feet for the whole hospital. I cuss Buckethead under my breath and decide that I need to visit Lola to see how big her workspace is. As I am walking down the hall, I hear that voice again. This time the song is the theme to Growing Pains. When I first see her I think wow, this is definitely what the band needs. She's quite hot, even though her hair is a mess and she's wearing no makeup. I comment on her great voice. She smiles a fake smile as if she is immune to compliments from strange men. I try some small talk, she is still a little standoffish, so tell her I am looking at her workspace. She gets up so I can see better. I leave hoping to try again later.